I made an awful blunder at climbing and I know that I sucks big time at that....so depressing that I refuse to forgive myself....sometimes I looked at them and thinking how super lame I was trying to clip in the last anchor...yeah it was at the last point and I kept saying "tight".... There are so many good climbers out there just to put me in a big shame....

No matter how many times I try to comfort myself, I know I can't because it was only a lead climb...yeah it is only a straight lead climbing....I totally don't know what happened to me...just the day before the bouldering routes, I can't even start for most of them....totally make a mockery out of me...I tried to find refuge but there was none...no one else but a bunch of pro climbers....

I tried to read their disappointing faces even my buddy has a doubtful-looking face...I don't know what's going to happen to me...Everytime I hear their cheering somehow I can translate it into jeering... I just don't want to compare myself, it is just not me...I may be physically weak, but I know I can sustain and perservere those awful and dreadful challenges...I need some space and these people aren't giving any...I don't need those glances...I don't need those "good-job" remarks...sometimes I felt it is too sarcastic...but again, I don't know if they meant well...

Competition is coming up and now we are in a team of fives.....I going to be a major disappointment if I couldn't make it...I don't know if I can even do it...It just kept ringing in my head...can anybody help to get it out, I'm sick and tired of it already...I just want to do it good...so disappointing...it has already past 9 hours now but I think it going to last a few more days...I don't know where to hide...

I often thought this is getting nowhere, but deep inside my heart there is tiny little squeak that urge me to go on....I want some peace now, just don't want to think about it no more...hope it will drift away with my dreams and never return....