As the day inched nearer, I felt lost...no matter how much I pray, the inevitable is sure to come...

I'm bound to India on the 31st. No questions asked. No more personal request entertained. Of course I was deeply affected by it because this would meant that I will celebrating raya, alone. Each day I went to work at Jurong East, I would pray for a miracle. I admit that this is my first time so I was quite anxious.

I looked for hints if I shouldn't go. Earthquake in India? I don't know. While everybody is occupying themselves with plans to make it happen once again, I was there, watching. It is very hard to conceal my feelings. It has always there, shown on my face.

Often, I would pretend. Pretend that I'm glad that I will be there working with a prestigious company and knowing the fact that I will be away from my family. Do you know how it felt when the news announced to me?

When I was first invited to India, I felt that I was obliged to go because my initial request for Finland was rejected. I didn't look down on India. Never. At that point, I was thinking here, my family.

It felt akward when you lost a limb, that was the kind of feeling I had. Whenever I travelled abroad, I felt at ease. But this time, I was wondering what it would be like without me.

Of course people may say that it would be just 3 months. I know. Without celebrating them during raya, do you think it is fun?

I felt angry and insulted. The angst that I could hardly conceal would one day, eat me alive. Faith on the this holy month has taught me a lot. I felt so helpless. I'm weak but to think again, God wanted my to be strong. I felt so pious.

I looked at my mum. My heart bled when she has to prepare for my departure. At one occassion, I didn't have the money to buy the required insurance. She painstakingly bought it for me. What about my belongings that I have to bring there? I don't have money for that either.

I'm not asking for a donation. I just felt it is unfair. I never wanted this in the first place. Never. It would be part of my fault. I have desire to do this internship overseas but then again, I could never imagine leaving my family behind.

I would be homesick definitely. I am a little bit pessimitic about myself. I don't want to fight back anymore. Fighting cause such a whirl in my head.

The tickets are not here yet and I still do hoping for a miracle. Everything is done but not my heart. I were to default this, I'm still at the losing end.

The only thing I can do is just pray, pray and pray. I hope I could break fast with my family before I go.